Category Archives: Harrison Ford movies

THE CALL OF THE WILD (2020) – Sanitized CGI Version of Jack London Tale Still Works

0
Posted on by

Call-of-the-Wild

While it is a somewhat sanitized and family friendly version of Jack London’s classic novel, and one that substitutes CGI effects for real dogs, THE CALL OF THE WILD (2020) nonetheless manages to be a successful heartwarming adventure.

There are two reasons for this success.

First, the screenplay by Michael Green, based on Jack London’s novel, is a good one. In spite of Harrison Ford’s sleep-inducing voice-over narration, the story is told crisply and efficiently, apropos for London’s short novel. There’s no fat on this one which clocks in at a brisk 100 minutes. Best of all it’s consistent with its themes of searching for redemption in the wilderness, and the need for answering one’s ancestral call, in this case, the call of the wild.

The second reason, strangely, is the CGI. I say strange because when the movie opens, it’s apparent from the get-go that Buck, the main character in the story and a dog, is a CGI creation and not a real dog. My first thought, especially since it was very apparent and obvious, was that this was going to work against the movie, give it less realism. And while this is true, the story still works because realism becomes secondary. Let me explain. This story is about Buck, a remarkable animal, and realism matters less because Buck is beyond real. He’s exceptional, larger than life, and as such the effects aren’t a detriment. And so realism becomes less important here than truth, and that is one item the movie does not sacrifice.

All this being said, I still would have preferred a real dog, but I can’t deny that the effects won me over, even as I realized what I was watching was a special effect.

THE CALL OF THE WILD is the story of Buck, a half St. Bernard half Scotch Shepherd, who lives a happy spoiled life with the wealthy Judge Miller (Bradley Whitford) and his family. But one night Buck is snatched away, as dogs fetch a good price in this time of the Gold Rush, as sled dogs are needed.

So Buck soon finds himself in the Yukon where he learns to fear the club of man, as he is belted over the head until he learns submission. This one of the areas in the film that is sanitized, as Buck learns to obey quickly, whereas in the novel it was a much more brutal sequence.

Buck becomes part of a sled team delivering the mail, led by two friendly mail carriers Francoise (Cara Gee) and Perrault (Omar Sy). Pearrault in particular treats the dogs well and talks to them as if they are human. The team is led by a dog called Spitz, but when the dogs begin to respect Buck more, a rivalry develops, and eventually Buck replaces Spitz as the lead dog, in another sequence made family friendly. In the novel, Buck kills Spitz. Here in the movie, he simply beats him down till he shows respect.

After Perrault receives orders to sell his sled dog team, Buck and his fellow dogs are purchased by an inexperienced and cruel man Hal (Dan Stevens). Buck is eventually rescued by John Thornton (Harrison Ford) who nurses Buck back to health, and the two share a life of peace and quiet in the snowy wilderness, even as Buck continually hears the call of the wild beckoning him to seek his destiny.

As I said, I had my doubts about this version of THE CALL OF THE WILD, but it really does work, and I left the theater thoroughly satisfied.

Again, while I would have preferred a real dog in the movie, the CGI effects are done well. The CGI model used in the film was a digital scan of a real dog, and it’s pretty convincing. It’s just not 100 percent convincing, and for me, the biggest surprise was that this didn’t really matter. Buck carries this movie. That’s right. The best character in THE CALL OF  THE WILD is a dog, and in this case, not even a real dog. Buck shares a genuine bond with his fellow dogs and human owners, and it’s this connection that drives this story forward.

And while Buck outshines the humans in this one, he does receive fine support. Harrison Ford, in spite of his one-note-covers-all voice-over narration, is decent and believable as John Thornton. Interestingly enough, Rutger Hauer played John Thornton in the 1997 version of the story, and of course, Ford and Hauer were adversaries in the classic science fiction film BLADE RUNNER (1982).

My favorite human performance in the movie belongs to Omar Sy as Perrault. He was the most interesting character in the film, other than Buck, and I enjoyed the way he interacted with the dogs. I also enjoyed Cara Gee as Francoise.

And Dan Stevens is sufficiently villainous as the main scoundrel in the film, Hal. It’s a small role, though, and Stevens had much more to do in the recent horror movie APOSTLE (2018), where he played the lead, a man who infiltrates a bizarre and deadly cult to find his missing sister. Stevens also played the Beast in Disney’s live action remake of BEAUTY AND THE BEAST (2017).

Director Chris Sanders keeps this one lean and efficient and manages not to lose sight of the dramatic story elements even while keeping this one family friendly.

Purists of Jack London’s novel may shake their heads and grumble, but dog lovers and fans of good storytelling will appreciate this version of THE CALL OF THE WILD which tells Buck’s story with genuine emotion and respect.

The call of the wild may be less savage here, but it remains intrinsic and true.

—END—

 

Memorable Movie Quotes: STAR WARS: EPISODE V – THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK (1980)

0
Posted on by

Empire Strikes Back poster

Here’s a look at some memorable quotes from my favorite STAR WARS movie, THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK (1980), screenplay by Leigh Brackett and Lawrence Kasdan.

But first a word about the screenwriters.

One of the more impressive things about THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK was that George Lucas, who wrote and directed the first STAR WARS movie in 1977, made the creative decision to hand over both the directing and writing reigns to other people. This was both a bold and wise decision by Lucas, and THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK is a better movie for it. By delegating these main duties to other artists, Lucas ensured a fresh take on the material.

While Irvin Kershner took over the directing duties, Leigh Brackett and Lawrence Kasdan wrote the screenplay, while George Lucas received story credit. Brackett died of cancer shortly after writing the first draft of the screenplay, and rumor has it that few of her ideas survived the heavy rewrites by Kasdan and George Lucas.

Brackett was a noted science fiction author who also worked on the screenplays for such classic movies as THE BIG SLEEP (1946) and RIO BRAVO (1959). Lawrence Kasdan would go on to write the screenplay for RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK (1981) and THE BIG CHILL (1983), among others.

Okay, so let’s have a listen to some of those quotes from arguably the best STAR WARS movie of them all:

The liveliest quotes come from the liveliest character in the entire series, and that would be Han Solo (Harrison Ford). EMPIRE is the movie where the romance between Han and Princess Leia began to blossom, and a lot of their best scenes include banter like this:

HAN SOLO: Well Princess, it looks like you managed to keep me here a while longer.

LEIA: I had nothing to do with it. General Rieekan thinks it’s dangerous for anyone to leave the system until they’ve activated the energy shield.

HAN SOLO: That’s a good story. I think you just can’t bear to let a gorgeous guy like me out of your sight.

LEIA: I don’t know where you get your delusions, laser brain.

CHEWBACCA laughs.

HAN SOLO: Laugh it up, fuzzball.

 

Then there’s this exchange with C-3PO (Anthony Daniels):

C-3PO:  Sir, the possibility of successfully navigating an asteroid field is approximately 3,720 to 1.

HAN SOLO: Never tell me the odds.

 

Luke Skywalker (Mark Hamill) and Yoda also have some memorable exchanges.

LUKE: All right, I’ll give it a try.

YODA: No. Try not. Do… or do not. There is no try.

 

LUKE: I don’t, I don’t believe it.

YODA: That is why you fail.

 

LUKE: I won’t fail you. I’m not afraid.

YODA: You will be. You… will… be.

As you can see here, it’s Yoda who gets the best lines in these exchanges, which is no surprise, because Luke Skywalker— and for me, this has always been a fundamental flaw in the STAR WARS series— is— well there’s no other way to say it— he’s boring. In fact, all of the Jedi are boring. It’s why the series struggles so often, because at its core, it’s about main characters who are about as exciting and interesting as that mannequin in a store front window. Don’t get me wrong. I love STAR WARS. But their heroes put me to sleep, except for Han Solo.

It’s also why Darth Vader became so insanely popular. He’s the most interesting character in the series, which is why the prequel trilogy is all the more tragic: they were about the series’ most interesting character, and they still failed to be compelling, except for the third film. REVENGE OF THE SITH (2005).

Anyway, here in THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK, Darth Vader (David Prowse) gets a lot of memorable lines, like after he chokes one of his captains to death:

DARTH VADER: Apology accepted, Captain Needa.

And in this exchange with Lando Calrissian (Billy Dee Williams):

DARTH VADER: Take the princess and the Wookie to my ship.

LANDO: You said they’d be left at the city under my supervision!

DARTH VADER: I am altering the deal. Pray I don’t alter it any further.

But the two most famous quotes come from two of the movie’s most famous scenes. The first is when Han Solo has been captured by Darth Vader and is about to be frozen in Carbonite. Before succumbing to his fate, Han has this exchange with Princess Leia:

HAN SOLO: (To Chewbacca) No! Stop, Chewie, stop! Chewie! Chewie this won’t help me! Hey! Save your strength. There’ll be another time. The Princess. You have to take care of her. You hear me? Huh?

(Han and Leia kiss.)

LEIA: I love you.

HAN SOLO: I know.

I saw THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK at the movies upon its initial release in 1980 in a packed theater, and that line brought down the house, a combination of the emotion of the moment and Han’s cockiness on full display, even as he was about to be frozen alive. That line, “I know,” was evidently suggested by Harrison Ford.

But the most famous scene in the film is of course the film’s climactic reveal, which is a spoiler, I guess, if you’re one of the few people on the planet who has never seen THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK. So, if you haven’t seen it, I guess skip the next sequence of dialogue:

DARTH VADER:  There is no escape. Don’t make me destroy you. Luke, you do not yet realize your importance. You have only begun to discover your power. Join me, and I will complete your training. With our combined strength, we can end this destructive conflict and bring order to the galaxy.

LUKE: I’ll never join you!

DARTH VADER: If you only knew the power of the Dark Side. Obi-Wan never told you what happened to your father.

LUKE:  He told me enough! He told me you killed him!

DARTH VADER: No. I am your father.

LUKE: No. No. That’s not true. That’s impossible!

DARTH VADER: Search your feelings, you know it to be true!

LUKE: No! No!

Yep, and there you have Darth Vader uttering the most famous line in the entire series, I am your father, and what does Luke get to say in response?  “No, no!”

Poor Luke.

Anyway, STAR WARS is an epic series, a fun series, and it does have its share of memorable quotes, a lot of them coming in the second film in the series, THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK, which remains, for my money, the best of the lot.

I hope you enjoyed this edition of MEMORABLE MOVIE QUOTES and that you’ll join me again next time when we look at quotes from another classic movie.

Thanks for reading!

Michael

Movie Lists: The STAR WARS movies

0
Posted on by

 

Empire Strikes Back poster

Welcome back to the MOVIE LIST column, where we look at lists pertaining to the movies.

Up today, the STAR WARS franchise.  Yep, with the latest STAR WARS film STAR WARS: THE LAST JEDI (2017) set to hit theaters today, December 14, 2017, here’s a look at how the previous films in the series rank:

  1. THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK (1980)

For my money, this first STAR WARS sequel is the best of the lot.  Following upon the heels of the original, EMPIRE is darker, bolder, and more innovative and exciting than its predecessor. All three leads- Mark Hamill, Harrison Ford, and Carrie Fisher grew into their roles here, and much more is revealed about one of the screen’s greatest villains, Darth Vader (David Prowse, with James Earl Jones providing the voice).  John Williams’ iconic Darth Vader theme, the Imperial March, is introduced here, making it hard to believe it didn’t exist in the first movie.

In a brilliant stroke, to keep things fresh, George Lucas stepped out of the director’s chair in favor of Irvin Kershner, something Lucas would stumble over in the second trilogy with his ill-fated decision to direct all three films.  EMPIRE also has the best script in the series, written by Leigh Brackett and Lawrence Kasdan.  Before ROGUE ONE came along, EMPIRE had the darkest ending in the series, with its now infamous reveal about the relationship between Luke Skywalker and Darth Vader.  Also the film that introduced Yoda.

Star Wars poster

2. STAR WARS (1977)

The movie that started it all.  I still remember when this one first hit the theaters, back in the summer of 1977.  When I saw this on the big screen that summer at the age of 13, I was blown away. Having grown up watching STAR TREK and LOST IN SPACE on TV, I had never seen such amazing special effects before.

Instantly drawn into the story of Luke Skywalker, Princess Leia, and Han Solo, I was along for the ride from the get-go, and I still haven’t forgotten the awe and wonder I felt entering the strange alien worlds and spaceship of this ultra imaginative movie.  Also featured my all-time favorite actor, Peter Cushing, playing the villain, Grand Moff Tarkin, which gave me the second opportunity to see Cushing on the big screen, the first being the inferior Amicus adventure AT THE EARTH’S CORE (1976).

Rousing iconic score by John Williams, and brilliant directing by George Lucas make this one a classic for the ages.  It’s now called STAR WARS: EPISODE IV: A NEW HOPE to fit in with the entire trilogy, but back in the day when it first came out, it was just STAR WARS, and rightly so.

3. STAR WARS: THE FORCE AWAKENS (2015)

After a sub par and inferior second trilogy, STAR WARS returned to the top with this energetic and exciting new entry by writer/director J.J. Abrams, who earlier achieved similar success with his excellent STAR TREK reboots.  The spirit of STAR WARS seemed to be missing in the previous trilogy, but it’s back and stronger than ever here.

With the return of familiar characters like Han Solo, Chewbacca, and Princess Leia, and newcomers like Rey (Daisy Ridley) and Finn (John Boyega), this sequel which takes place thirty years after the events of RETURN OF THE JEDI, completely recaptures the magic of the original STAR WARS movies.  My only gripe is that Luke Skywalker (Mark Hamill) doesn’t appear until the very end.

rogue one poster

4. ROGUE ONE – A STAR WARS STORY (2016)

The first stand-alone STAR WARS movie was a mixed bag for me the first time around.  I thought the film did a poor job with character development which was a major deal here since the film contains nearly all new characters.  But I liked this one much better upon a second viewing.  Its story, the tale of how the rebels stole the Death Star plans used by Luke Skywalker and the rebels in the original STAR WARS film, is a good one, and it even addresses the long-standing joke of how inept the Empire must have been to have built the Death Star with a glaring weakness that the rebels could expose so easily.  ROGUE ONE makes it clear that this supposed weakness was not by accident.

Excellent storytelling gets better as the movie goes along as it moves towards its powerhouse finale, the darkest by far in the entire series.  Also notable for its sometimes impressive CGI re-creation of Peter Cushing playing Grand Moff Tarkin.  On the big screen, I thought he looked cartoonish, but at home on my TV screen he looked a bit more genuine.

 

5. STAR WARS: EPISODE III: REVENGE OF THE SITH (2005)

I am really not a fan of this second series, but I do like the third and final film in which we learn how Anakin Skywalker becomes Darth Vader.  Part of the problem with this series is it’s a prequel. Another part is that it simply takes too long to tell its story.  The three movie arc was unnecessary.  Had REVENGE OF THE SITH been a standalone film, it would have been better received.

Other problems with this series: a lack of imagination and fun.  They are about as cold and lifeless as one can get in a supposed adventurous science fiction fantasy tale.  They also feature a stoic unimaginative actor in the lead as young Anakin, Hayden Christensen.

But I do like this third film, mostly because it succeeds in convincingly telling its tale of just why Anakin Skywalker chose the Dark Side in the first place.  In short, the Jedi were jerks to him, while the Emperor filled his head with flattery.  Most of the film is uneven, but the final reel is the best part and well worth the wait.

 

6. STAR WARS: EPISODE II: ATTACK OF THE CLONES (2002)

Completely unnecessary movie in the STAR WARS canon, notable mostly for Christopher Lee’s presence as Count Dooku, and Natalie Portman’s portrayal of the increasingly tragic Padme.

 

7. RETURN OF THE JEDI (1983)

I know, a lot of people love this one, but I’ve disliked it since I first saw it at the theater.  Following the masterful EMPIRE STRIKES BACK, JEDI is clunky in its story telling, struggles with pacing, and doesn’t come close to capturing the awe and magic of the first two movies.  When the film should have been reaching new heights in its tale of light vs. dark, it instead reverts to cutesiness, introducing us to huggable Ewoks, who do nothing but take away valuable screen time from Luke and Darth Vader.

star-wars-phantom-menace-darth maul

Darth Maul, one of the few good things about THE PHANTOM MENACE (1999).

8. STAR WARS: EPISODE I: THE PHANTOM MENACE (1999)

My least favorite of the series.  Did we really need an entire movie about Anakin Skywalker’s life as a little boy?  In a word, no.

Notable for Liam Neeson’s presence as Qui-Gon Jinn, and the very cool villain Darth Maul.  Yep, Qui-Gon and Darth Maul are by far the two best characters in this movie, and they are both promptly killed off.  Shows you how good this movie is.

And there you have it.  A quick take on the STAR WARS movies.  I’ll be sure to update this list shortly to include the latest movie, STAR WARS: THE LAST JEDI (2017).

Until then, thanks for reading!

—Michael

BLADE RUNNER 2049 (2017) – Ambitious Sequel Overlong and Lifeless

1
Posted on by

blade-runner-2049-poster

I guess I’m just not a fan of the BLADE RUNNER movies.

I was never all that into the original BLADE RUNNER (1982) film starring Harrison Ford and directed by Ridley Scott, based on the Philip K. Dick novel Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep? —- now, the novel I do like— that has a huge loyal following among science fiction fans.  The 1982 film just never moved me.

Now, here comes BLADE RUNNER 2049 (2017),  starring Ryan Gosling and again Harrison Ford, a bigger and badder sequel to the 1982 movie, receiving high praise from both critics and fans alike.

I’ve finally been swayed, right?  This film is so good I’ve finally overcome my apathy for BLADE RUNNER, right?

Wrong.

Which is why I said, I guess I just don’t like these movies.

“K” (Ryan Gosling) is a blade runner, the name given to officers who hunt down and “retire” (yes, that means “kill”) replicants, the artificial life forms that the powers that be fear because they are becoming too human.  His latest target is somewhat of an unusual one, and it leads him on a search for Rick Deckard (Harrison Ford), the blade runner and main character in the first BLADE RUNNER movie, who’s been missing for thirty years.

Denis Villeneuve directed BLADE RUNNER 2049, which is another reason I’m surprised I didn’t like this one more than I did.  Villeneuve directed ARRIVAL (2016) and SICARIO (2015), two movies I liked a lot, and PRISONERS (2013), which was also very good.

There’s no shortage of ambition here.  This is a massive movie, filled with eye-popping special effects and a futuristic landscape that rivals the one created by Ridley Scott in the original.  All the technical stuff is there and works.

The story also has a lot to say.  Hampton Fancher and Michael Green wrote the screenplay, and it covers a lot of ground.  The best part of the Philip K. Dick novel is the exploration of the line between human and replicant, and the idea that a thinking sentient being, albeit an artificially created one, would fight for its own survival and not take kindly to the idea that it had an expiration date.  This has always been my favorite part of the BLADE RUNNER universe, and it’s more applicable today as great strides have been made in the field of artificial intelligence, and I believe that soon this concept will leave the realm of science fiction and become science fact.

And yet the problem I had with the original BLADE RUNNER, I have again here with BLADE RUNNER 2049, and that is the film has no soul.  It’s cold and lifeless, and its story, in spite of the scientific and ethical ramifications, fails to resonate.  Nothing that happens in this movie moved me one iota.

Which is too bad because a lot happens in this movie.  So much that it takes a whopping 2 hours and 43 minutes to tell its story.  That’s a long time to sit through a movie that doesn’t resonate, which is another reason I really did not enjoy BLADE RUNNER 2049.

There were parts I did like.  Its opening scene, for example, where “K” hunts down a replicant, Sapper Morton (Dave Bautista) is a good one.  The fight sequence between the two is a rough and violent as they get.

Nearly all the scenes between “K” and his holographic girlfriend Joi (Ana de Armas) are not only watchable but for me were flat-out the best scenes in the movie, but their storyline is secondary to the main one in the film.  The scene in particular where technology enables Joi to enter the body of a prostitute Mariette (Mackenzie Davis) so she can physically love “K” is probably the best scene in the film

And the first encounter between “K” and Rick Deckard is memorable, but it’s an hour and 40 minutes into the movie before this meeting takes place.

So, for me, pacing was certainly an issue, but the larger problem was that the story never grabbed me, the characters never won me over, and so I sat there for nearly three hours being visually stimulated but that was about it.  The story and characters fell flat for me and pretty much bored me to tears.

I like Ryan Gosling a lot, and he’s certainly good here, but “K” is just such dull boring character I just never found myself all that excited about him.

In a strange way, I actually enjoyed Harrison Ford more in this movie than in the original BLADE RUNNER.  It’s too bad he doesn’t show up until 1 hour and 40 minutes into the film.  He’s got some good lines, though, and his character is integral to the main plot and main mystery of this one.

But hands down the two best performances in BLADE RUNNER 2049 belong to two of the women actresses in the film.

First, there’s Ana de Armas as Joi, who happened to be my favorite character in the movie.  Joi is a holographic creation, and yet through de Armas’ performance, she’s more lifelike and possesses more genuine emotion than any other character in the movie.  She previously starred in WAR DOGS (2016) and HANDS OF STONE (2016),  a film about boxer Roberto Duran that was panned by critics but was one of my favorite movies that year.  Ana de Armas was excellent in HANDS OF STONE, and she’s better here in BLADE RUNNER 2049.

Then there’s Sylvia Hoeks as Luv.  She’s the most effective villain in the movie.  It’s a dominating performance, one that I enjoyed more than Jared Leto’s.  He plays the main baddie in the film, Niander Wallace, and he just doesn’t resonate.  While I enjoyed Hoeks’s scenes, Leto’s scenes sadly put me to sleep.

Robin Wright has a couple of compelling moments as the stone cold police Lieutenant Joshi, and there are some other veteran actors on hand who add to the mix as well. There’s Barkhad Abdi, the Oscar-nominated actor for CAPTAIN PHILLIPS (2013) who we just saw in GOOD TIME (2017), and there’s Lennie James, who plays Morgan on TV’s THE WALKING DEAD.

And both Edward James Olmos and Sean Young reprise their roles from the original BLADE RUNNER, but their presence is reduced to nothing more than brief cameos.

BLADE RUNNER 2049 is ambitious, cinematic, and loud, but it’s also cold, lifeless, and terribly long and dull, which is a shame because its main premise, the examination of the line between replicants and humans, and its exploration of the idea that artificially created replicants are so close to life that it’s nearly impossible to tell the difference between them and humans, which ultimately leads to the discussion of just what it is that constitutes life, is a thought-provoking idea that is worthy of an epic movie.

Unfortunately, BLADE RUNNER 2049 isn’t that movie.

And that’s because while technologically it scores points on all fronts, emotionally, it’s as barren as its futuristic landscape, filled with eye-popping visuals and ear-shattering noises, but without any life whatsoever.

The replicants deserve better.

—END—

 

MEMORABLE MOVIE QUOTES: STAR WARS (1977)

0
Posted on by

star-wars-1977-poster

Welcome back to MEMORABLE MOVIE QUOTES, that column where we look at memorable quotes from some really cool movies.  Up today, on the heels of the hype of the latest STAR WARS movie and first stand alone film in the series, ROGUE ONE:  A STAR WARS STORY (2016), we look at quotes from the movie that started it all, STAR WARS (1977).

Those of us old enough to have seen STAR WARS when it first exploded across theaters back in 1977 remember fondly that back then it was simply known as STAR WARS and not STAR WARS:  EPISODE IV –  A NEW HOPE.

Ah, the good old days, when the Force was young!

So, without further hesitation, here are some cool quotes from the original STAR WARS, screenplay by George Lucas.

To begin with, there are a lot of classic quotes from STAR WARS, enough to fill several columns, and so today we’ll just be looking at some of them.  I’d rather write multiple columns in order to give all the quotes their due rather than jampack them all into one crowded piece.  Hmm.  I just might have to do that.

A lot of my favorite quotes from STAR WARS come from Han Solo (Harrison Ford), the wise-cracking pilot of the Millennium Falcon, such as in this sequence where Luke Skywalker (Mark Hamill) and Han discover that Princess Leia (Carrie Fisher) is being held prisoner on the Death Star, and Luke tries to convince Han to help him rescue her.  Let’s listen:

LUKE SKYWALKER:  They’re gonna execute her! Look, a few minutes ago you said you didn’t want to just wait here to be captured. Now all you want to do is stay?

HAN SOLO:  Marching into a detention area is not what I had in mind.

LUKE SKYWALKER: But they’re gonna kill her!

HAN SOLO:  Better her than me!

 

But Luke won’t give up:

LUKE SKYWALKER:  She’s rich.

HAN SOLO:  Rich?

LUKE SKYWALKER:  Rich, powerful. Listen, if you were to rescue her, the reward would be…

HAN SOLO:  What?

LUKE SKYWALKER:  Well, more wealth than you can imagine!

HAN SOLO:  I don’t know, I can imagine quite a bit.

star-wars-han-luke

Later, when they actually do attempt to rescue the princess, Han finds himself on the wrong end of a communication device.  After he and Chewy had taken out the Stormtroopers guarding Princess Leia, the intercom beeps and an official wants to know what exactly is going on there.  Han has no choice but to answer:

HAN SOLO:  Uh, everything’s under control. Situation normal.

VOICE:  What happened?

HAN SOLO:  Uh, we had a slight weapons malfunction, but uh… everything’s perfectly all right now. We’re fine. We’re all fine here now, thank you. How are you?

 

Han Solo even gets philosophical when Luke questions him about his lack of belief in the Force:

LUKE SKYWALKER:  You don’t believe in the Force, do you?

HAN SOLO:  Kid, I’ve flown from one side of this galaxy to the other, and I’ve seen a lot of strange stuff, but I’ve never seen anything to make me believe that there’s one all-powerful Force controlling everything.  ‘Cause no mystical energy field controls my destiny. It’s all a lot of simple tricks and nonsense.

 

Speaking of the Force, another character with lots of memorable lines in STAR WARS is Ben Obi-Wan Kenobi (Alec Guinness).  In this now classic exchange with a troop of Stormtroopers, Ben uses the Force, the now infamous Jedi mind trick, to circumvent the Stormtroopers’ checkpoint.  Let’s have a listen to the Jedi Master:

STORMTROOPER:  Let me see your identification.

BEN OBI-WAN KENOBI (waves his hand):  You don’t need to see his identification.

STORMTROOPER:  We don’t need to see his identification.

BEN OBI-WAN KENOBI:  These aren’t the droids you’re looking for.

STORMTROOPER:  These aren’t the droids we’re looking for.

Which led to years later, a hilarious T-shirt photo of a Stormtrooper sitting forlornly with his head buried in his hands with the caption:  “Those were the droids you were looking for!”

 

Ben Kenobi also has one of the more ominous lines in the movie and perhaps the entire series when the Millenium Falcon approaches the Death Star for the first time, and Han announces they’re approaching a small moon, to which Ben says gravely,

BEN OBI-WAN KENOBI:  That’s no moon. It’s a space station.

 

And later, when he finally meets Darth Vader in a duel to the death, he has this exchange with his former pupil:

DARTH VADER:  Your powers are weak, old man.

BEN OBI-WAN KENOBI:  You can’t win, Darth. If you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you could possibly imagine.

I remember my reaction when I first saw this scene in 1977.  I thought, what is he talking about?  And after Darth Vader struck him down, I thought, Well, that was wishful thinking on his part.  But then, miraculously, his dead body is not present, and I immediately changed my tune.  Hmm.  Maybe he had something there.  And of course, Kenobi’s “spirit” is on hand for the next two STAR WARS movies, THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK (1980), and THE RETURN OF THE JEDI (1983).

star-wars-obi-wan

One character I haven’t mentioned is the main character in STAR WARS, Luke Skywalker.  Luke has his share of memorable lines as well, like in this banter with Han Solo and Princess Leia:

PRINCESS LEIA:  It’s not over yet.

HAN SOLO:  It is for me, sister. Look, I ain’t in this for your revolution, and I’m not in it for you, Princess. I expect to be well paid. I’m in it for the money.

PRINCESS LEIA:  You needn’t worry about your reward. If money is all that you love, then that’s what you’ll receive. (To LUKE)  Your friend is quite the mercenary. I wonder if he really cares about anything. Or anybody.

(She exits.)

LUKE SKYWALKER:  I care.  (To HAN)  So, what do you think of her, Han?

HAN SOLO:  I’m tryin’ not to, kid.

LUKE SKYWALKER:  Good.

HAN SOLO:  Still, she’s got a lot of spirit. I don’t know, whaddya think? You think a princess and a guy like me—.

LUKE SKYWALKER:  No.

star-wars-luke-skywalker

 

Then there’s this lively exchange as Luke arrives to rescue the princess:

LUKE SKYWALKER:  I’m Luke Skywalker. I’m here to rescue you.

PRINCESS LEIA:  You’re who?

LUKE SKYWALKER:  I’m here to rescue you. I’ve got your R2 unit. I’m here with Ben Kenobi.

PRINCESS LEIA:  Ben Kenobi? Where is he?

LUKE SKYWALKER:  Come on!

 

And then there’s these prophetic lines, when Luke finally decides he’s ready to follow Obi-Wan Kenobi:

LUKE SKYWALKER:  I want to come with you to Alderaan. There’s nothing for me here now. I want to learn the ways of the Force and become a Jedi like my father.

Luke also gets to utter the line, along with many other characters in subesequent movies, which would become a STAR WARS catch phrase:

LUKE SKYWALKER:  I have a very bad feeling about this.

 

Of course, the most famous catch phrase and line to come out of STAR WARS is the now iconic “May the Force be with you.”

So, that’s it for now.  I’m sure I will follow this up at some point with another column on more memorable quotes from STAR WARS, especially when in this edition we heard nary a word from one Darth Vader.

Thanks for reading, and join me again next time when we look at more memorable quotes from another classic movie.

—Michael

 

 

 

 

 

STAR WARS: THE FORCE AWAKENS (2015) Brings Home The Memories

0
Posted on by

star wars force awakens poster

STAR WARS:  THE FORCE AWAKENS (2015)

Movie Review

By Michael Arruda

If there’s one thing that STAR WARS:  THE FORCE AWAKENS does well, it’s that it hearkens back to the original trilogy and if you liked those movies, you’re sure to enjoy this one as well.  Of course, it does a few other things well, too.

STAR WARS: THE FORCE AWAKENS takes place 30 years after the events in RETURN OF THE JEDI (1983).  As the familiar golden words on the screen at the beginning of the movie explain, Luke Skywalker has disappeared, and both the evil First Order and the feisty Rebels are looking for him.  A map exists which shows the hiding place of Luke.  Whoever finds the map will find Luke, and so the race is on.  That in a nutshell is the plot of STAR WARS: THE FORCE AWAKENS.

When the movie opens, a rebel pilot Poe Dameron (Oscar Isaac) possesses the map, but he’s captured by the First Order, the baddies in this one who look and act exactly like the Evil Empire in the first trilogy.  Before he’s captured, Poe slips the map to his droid BB-8 and tells it to run.  [Sound familiar?  Princess Leia did the same thing with R2D2 in the original STAR WARS (1977).  There are lot of homage moments like this in the THE FORCE AWAKENS.  For the most part, I enjoyed them.  However, this ploy also works against the film’s originality.  More on this later.]

Poe is captured and interrogated by one of the leaders of the First Order, a Darth Vader wannabe, Kylo Ren (Adam Driver), but with the help of a former Storm trooper Finn (John Boyega) Poe escapes.

Meanwhile, a young woman Rey (Daisy Ridley) crosses paths with BB-8 and befriends the droid.  When the First Order arrives in search of BB-8 and the map, Rey and the droid are helped by Finn.  They receive further assistance when old friends Han Solo (Harrison Ford) and Chewbacca (Peter Mayhew) arrive, and they bring the three back to the Rebels, now led by former Princess and now General Leia (Carrie Fisher).

The battle lines are drawn.  Both sides are searching for Luke Skywalker, while at the same time the Rebels are forced to defend the galaxy against another powerful planet-destroying weapon possessed by the First Order, a weapon that makes the Death Star in the original STAR WARS seem puny in comparison.  Of course.

STAR WARS: THE FORCE AWAKENS is clearly an homage to the original trilogy, especially to the first film in the series, STAR WARS. I had a love/hate relationship with this.

For the most part, the homage style works.  I absolutely loved how director J.J. Abrams re-introduced all the original characters.  Everyone- Han Solo, Princess Leia, Luke Skywalker, Chewbacca, C3PO, R2D2- receives a dramatic entrance.  Heck, even the Millennium Falcon gets a heroes-welcome first scene.  This all works for me and provides the fans with plenty of loud ovation moments.  It reminded me a lot of when I saw STAR TREK: THE MOTION PICTURE (1979) years ago at the movies, the way that film gave each main character a dramatic entrance, as that was the first time those folks were appearing on the large screen.

However, where this style faltered was in the construct of the story’s plot. In STAR WARS: THE FORCE AWAKENS, once again the First Order is in possession of a planet destroying weapon, and once more the Rebels detect a weakness in its construction, and so they come up with a plan to sneak in and destroy it.  This plot point is right out of both STAR WARS and RETURN OF THE JEDI.  You would think that at this point the bad guys would have come up with a different weapon or would have eliminated these weaknesses.  They haven’t won yet.

While this may sound like nitpicking, a different plot point in these movies would be most welcome.  It’s like when Lex Luthor shows up as the villain in all the SUPERMAN movies.  Nothing against Lex, but can we have a different villain once in a while?

Likewise, I realize that it’s the STAR WARS universe and the expectation is that things are somewhat similar.  I have no problem with the style and the looks being similar, but in terms of plot they need to shake things up a bit.  Not all film series have to do this.  Take the ROCKY series for example.  You expect those films to end with a climactic boxing match.  That makes sense.  Rocky is a boxer.  But the STAR WARS films take place in outer space and have entire galaxies as their canvas.  The plot points should be endless.

I really enjoyed the cast in STAR WARS: THE FORCE AWAKENS, and the film combines both the old and the new seamlessly.

Of the original cast members, Han Solo (Harrison Ford) gets the most screen time, and since Han has always been one of the most interesting and compelling characters in the STAR WARS universe, this is a good thing.  Harrison Ford is once again excellent as Han Solo, and he shows that at 73 he hasn’t lost much in terms of his charisma and acting chops.

Carrie Fisher as General Leia is in the film less, and based on her few scenes, this is also a good thing.  Of course, we don’t see a lot of Luke, since a key plot point of the film is that he’s disappeared, but since his name is in the credits, it’s a good bet he will show up at some point.

That being said, this was another plot point of STAR WARS: THE FORCE AWAKENS that I did not enjoy.  Luke Skywalker is the single most important character from the original series, and now we have a new STAR WARS movie which hearkens back to the original, and as a key plot point, the film chooses to have it so that Skywalker has vanished?  I don’t know about that.  To borrow a title from that other science fiction series, I would have preferred that this movie not played out like STAR WARS:  THE SEARCH FOR LUKE, which is a roundabout way of saying I wanted more Luke in this movie.

Of course, what truly helps this movie is that the new cast members are for the most part excellent.  Daisy Ridley nearly steals the movie as Rey, the new heroine who promises to be the next big character as this series progresses.  She’s that good.  Other than Harrison Ford’s return as Han Solo, Ridley was my favorite part of this movie.

John Boyega is nearly as good as Finn, the former Storm trooper now turned rebel hero.  He’s likeable, humorous, and gutsy, and he fits in perfectly in the STAR WARS universe.

I didn’t think Oscar Isaac fared as well as super duper pilot Poe Dameron.  He’s likable enough, but he’s more one-dimensional than the other two characters.  Perhaps he will be developed more later.  We saw Isaac earlier this year in the science fiction film EX MACHINA (2015).  His co-star in that film, Domhnall Gleeson, also stars here in STAR WARS: THE FORCE AWAKENS as one of the villains, General Hux.

And this is another place where I thought STAR WARS: THE FORCE AWAKENS had some problems.  I just wasn’t all that impressed with the villains in this one.  The main villain, Kylo Ren (Adam Driver) just didn’t do anything for me.  I found him whiny and wishy-washy, about as effective a villain as Loki in the Marvel superhero movies.

With his mask, he’s supposed to be a younger Darth Vader type, and in fact he is related to the character— another thing that strains disbelief in this film- everyone seems to be related to each other.  Is the universe really that small?— and some have cited his inner struggle— he’s not yet completely sold on the Dark side—as a compelling character trait.  I just found it weak and juvenile.  Choose a side and get on with it.  Hamlet, he wasn’t.

Plus, he takes off his mask at will.  What’s up with that?  What is the mask’s purpose, then?  A fashion statement?  To make him look scary?  Darth Vader wore his mask because without it he would die.  Kylo Ren wears his mask because he’s afraid to be evil without it, I guess.  I have to admit, whenever he took off his mask, I thought of Rick Moranis as Dark Helmet  in Mel Brooks’ SPACEBALLS (1987) and wanted to laugh.

The other villain in the film, Supreme Leader Snoke (Andy Serkis)— how’s that for a presumptuous name?  He’s the Supreme Leader because name says so, not because of anything he does in the movie!— is reduced to appearing as a holographic image a la the Emperor in the original series.  He gets to say ominous lines to Kylo Ren, but that’s about it.

Snoke is played by Andy Serkis, who is the top guy in the movies when it comes to motion capture performances, as he has hit homeruns with his performances as Gollum in THE LORD OF THE RINGS series, as Caesar in the new PLANET OF THE APES series, and he even made for a decent King Kong in Peter Jackson’s 2005 remake of KING KONG.  But here he’s reduced to a stationary holographic image.

Nuff said.

Chewbacca, C3PO, and R2D2 all enjoy fine moments, and the new droid BB8 is also very enjoyable.  One more new cast member who makes an impression is Max Kanata (Lupita Nyong’o).  Kanata is a CGI created creature with wide eyes who enjoys some key scenes, and Nyong’o makes the most of her brief screen time.

For the most part, I enjoyed the directorial work of J.J. Abrams here.  He has made a crowd pleaser, and STAR WARS fans should walk away from the theater satisfied.  It’s clearly a homage and it works.  It brought me back to the time when I watched the original three films at the theater, and this was a lot of fun.  STAR WARS: THE FORCE AWAKENS is a much more satisfying STAR WARS vehicle than the previous three films, the prequel trilogy of the 90s and early 200s.

And the film looks great.  Again, it hearkens back to the original series, and really captures the original look of the first STAR WARS.  And while there were some cool scenes, I can’t say that they blew me away, since nearly everything that happens in this movie was very familiar.

The screenplay by director Abrams, Lawrence Kasdan who also wrote both THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK and RETURN OF THE JEDI, and Michael Arndt successfully creates nostalgia but falters somewhat when it comes to original storytelling.  At times, STAR WARS: THE FORCE AWAKENS almost plays like a straight re-boot of the original STAR WARS.  I would have preferred it had this new film taken a far more original route.  Is it asking too much that the evil First Order develop a new way of doing things rather than creating yet another planet destroying weapon with a glaring weakness?  Is it asking too much that the good guys face some other conflict instead of trying to destroy another Death Star?  There are far too many exciting plot points for a STAR WARS movie not to seek them out.

John Williams once again wrote the music score, and once more it’s a phenomenal soundtrack.

STAR WARS: THE FORCE AWAKENS is a rousing tour de force, full of STAR WARS nostalgia and a genuine crowd-pleaser, but it lacks originality and as such offers nothing new, other than new younger characters who face the same adversities our original characters faced in the original trilogy.  So, yes, STAR WARS: THE FORCE AWAKENS  also plays like STAR WARS:  THE NEXT GENERATION.

While it’s all unabashedly fun, it’s also completely predictable.

May the Force Be With You.  Again.

—END—

 

 

 

 

 

STAR WARS Memories & Musings

0
Posted on by

Star Wars poster

 

 

Like a “few” other people, I’ll be seeing the much hyped latest installment of the STAR WARS series, STAR WARS:  THE FORCE AWAKENS (2015).

And like these few other people, I’m a “bit”  excited to see this one.  I’m curious to see what J.J. Abrams does with it.

Of course, I was rather excited to see the original STAR WARS too way back in 1977.  It seems like only yesterday—.

Here’s a look back at some STAR WARS memories, along with some musings about then and now.

Here in 2015 as I see STAR WARS:  THE FORCE AWAKENS, I’m a middle school English teacher, and as such I teach 7th graders.

When I saw STAR WARS in 1977, I was in the 7th grade.

STAR WARS was the first film that I ever remember being hyped way WAY in advance.  It was months of STAR WARS promos, and this was before the internet.  Friends, relatives, classmates, everyone was talking about the new film STAR WARS that was due out later in the year.

I was particularly excited to see STAR WARS because I knew that Peter Cushing was in it.

STAR WARS was NOT the first Peter Cushing film I saw at the movies.  While I had seen most of his Hammer Films on television, I was too young to have caught them in the theater.  However, in 1976, I finally saw Peter Cushing on the big screen for the first time in Amicus’ AT THE EARTH’S CORE.

I remember my girl friends fighting over who was cuter, Luke Skywalker or Han Solo.  The girls my age mostly were in love with Luke, while the girls I knew who were in high school or older definitely were into Han.

I never thought Princess Leia was all that hot.  My first big screen movie crush was probably Jamie Lee Curtis in HALLOWEEN (1978).

I saw STAR WARS and CLOSE ENCOUNTERS OF THE THIRD KIND  the same year.  I strongly preferred STAR WARS.

In 1977 Jimmy Carter was President and not very well respected.

In 2015,  Jimmy Carter is very well-respected.

In 1977 the TV show my friends and I couldn’t stop talking about was SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE.

In 2015, the TV show my friends and I can’t stop talking about is THE WALKING DEAD.

The comedian who was all the rage was a guy named Steve Martin.

Today I don’t know a comedian who is all the rage.

In 1977 I used to stay up late to watch Johnny Carson on THE TONIGHT SHOW.

In 2015, I can catch Jimmy Fallon on THE TONIGHT SHOW OnDemand.

For Christmas in 1977 my favorite gift was the STAR WARS soundtrack double album.  I used to blast John Williams’ rousing score on my stereo every day after school.  My parents were not amused.

For Christmas that year I also got the 12 minute Super 8mm version of STAR WARS, in color.  To own 12 minutes of that film was HUGE back then in the days before home video.  12 minutes.  Today like most everyone else I own the entire series.

As much as I loved STAR WARS, I was disappointed that my favorite magazine FAMOUS MONSTERS OF FILMLAND gave it so much coverage.  I wanted to read about monster movies not space adventures.

Since I was in 7th grade I thought I was too old for all the STAR WARS action figures and toys, and so I never collected them.  My younger brother who was 8 at the time got to have all the fun.

STAR WARS was the first movie I ever saw more than once at the theater.

It was the first film I ever saw starring Alec Guinness.

THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK would be my first date movie.

THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK remains my favorite STAR WARS movie, but not for that reason.

RETURN OF THE JEDI was the first STAR WARS movie I was disappointed with.  It wouldn’t be the last.

John Williams music score for STAR WARS reminded me an awful lot of the soundtrack for my favorite science fiction TV show as a kid, LOST IN SPACE.  It came as no surprise then when I learned shortly afterwards that Williams had also scored LOST IN SPACE.

C3PO and Dr. Smith do seem like distant cousins.

I liked Han Solo better when he shot first.

May the Force Be With You.

Thank you, George Lucas.

Thanks for reading.

—Michael

 

 

 

CINEMA KNIFE FIGHT: THE EXPENDABLES 3 (2014)

0
Posted on by

expendables 3 posterHere’s my CINEMA KNIFE FIGHT review of THE EXPENDABLES 3, up now at cinemaknifefight.com, your place to read about movies, where you’ll find new movie content posted every day by L.L. Soares, myself, and a very talented staff of writers.

Thanks for reading!

—Michael

 

 CINEMA KNIFE FIGHT:  THE EXPENDABLES 3 (2014)

Review by Michael Arruda

(THE SCENE: A heavily fortified movie theater, surrounded by armed guards, military vehicles, and tanks.  A helicopter lands out front, and MICHAEL ARRUDA steps from the copter followed by four young people, most likely in their twenties.  They approach the theater just as a man dressed in military fatigues steps from the building to confront them.)

DICTATOR:  Hey, Arruda, it’s about time you showed up.  But you’re a little late.  Your buddy L.L. SOARES is our prisoner.

MICHAEL ARRUDA:  You can have him.  I didn’t come for L.L. I came to see a movie.

DICTATOR: So did he, and look where that got him!  You’ll never get by me, Arruda!

MA:  We’ll see about that.  I’ve brought some help.

DICTATOR (looks at the young people behind MA):  Who are they?  Your kindergarten class?

MA:  Meet the new team.  The next generation of Cinema Knife Fighters.

(Camera pans quickly over the four young faces, just as a missile zooms in and explodes, reducing them to a puff of smoke.)

MA:  Or not.

You know, if the new team in today’s movie had met the same fate, I would have liked it better.

DICTATOR:  Huh?  Listen, Arruda, enough talking!  Take a look around you, at our defenses.  They’re impenetrable.

MA:  Really?  Because I have looked them over, and frankly, I’m not impressed.  In fact, I give your defenses 0 knives.

DICTATOR (huffs):  Really?  Are you kidding me?  Do you know how hard I worked on this?

MA:  It’s obviously all CGI.  Very fake looking.  Nobody you have with you has anything worthwhile to say.  Sorry, but it’s all very boring.

DICTATOR:  Dammit!  I need to find me a better writer!

MA:  And L.L. obviously made it inside, too, didn’t he?  Where is he?

DICTATOR:  He’s inside watching another movie. Damn you guys!  (Stomps off in a hissy fit.)

MA:  Okay, now that that’s over with, we can get on with today’s review.  Welcome to CINEMA KNIFE FIGHT.  I’m Michael Arruda, and today I’m reviewing THE EXPENDABLES 3, the latest movie in Sylvester Stallone’s all-star action series.  I’m doing this one solo because my buddy L.L. Soares is inside this theater watching another movie which he’ll be reviewing for CINEMA KNIFE FIGHT this weekend as well.

THE EXPENDABLES 3 is the third film in THE EXPENDABLES series, a series which chronicles the adventures of The Expendables, a group of ruthless soldiers and assassins who are called on by the U.S. government to handle its dirtiest jobs.

In this film, the leader of the group Barney Ross (Sylvester Stallone) discovers that his one-time friend-turned villain Stonebanks (Mel Gibson), a man he thought he had killed, is still alive.  Ross wants Stonebanks dead, but he’s informed by his new operator Drummer (Harrison Ford) that they want Stonebanks alive to stand trial.

Seeing Stonebanks as a formidable opponent, Ross decides that his team is too old to handle him, and so he tells his team, which includes Lee Christmas (Jason Statham), Doc (Wesley Snipes), Gunner (Dolph Lundgren) and Toll Road (Randy Couture) that he’s retiring the group.  They balk at this of course, but Ross makes his intentions clear:  they’re done.

Ross then hooks up with an old friend Bonaparte (Kelsey Grammer) who he employs to help him find a new team, a group of younger fighters, in effect the next generation of The Expendables.  And so they compile a group of newbies which includes Thorn (Glen Powell), Mars (Victor Ortiz), Luna (Ronda Rousey), and Smilee (Kellan Lutz).

Seriously?  I found this plot point very difficult to believe.  Why in the world would Ross want to go to battle with these infants instead of Jason Statham and friends is beyond me?  There’s just no comparison, and calling these guys “old” based upon the way they look in the movie is ridiculous.  They still look as bad-ass as ever.

Anyway, Stonebanks quickly makes mincemeat out of this diaper-clad team, which means it’s up to Jason Statham and his buddies to help Stallone get his newbies out of this mess.  Of course, Stonebanks has an entire army at his disposal, and so even more help is needed, which is why Drummer also brings in Trench (Arnold Schwarzenegger) and Yin Yang (Jet Li) to help out.

Plus there’s Galgo (Antonio Banderas) who throughout the film has been desperate to join Ross’ team, and finally gets his chance when Ross needs all the help he can get.  This all leads to the testosterone filled conclusion where Ross and his Expendables battle Stonebanks and his entire army.

This might have been fun if it all wasn’t so stupid.

(MA enters the lobby of the movie theater, surrounded by all sorts of military action:  machine gun fire, grenade explosions, hand-to- hand combat.)

MA (looks at camera):  I guess it all fits in with the theme of today’s movie.  Excuse me while I order some popcorn.  (To cinema worker).  I’ll have a small popcorn with butter, please.

CINEMA WORKER:  Sure.  (As he turns to make popcorn, machine gun fire riddles the area, and he slumps to the ground.)

MA: Hmm.  I’ll just come back for that later.  Back to the review.

By far, THE EXPENDABLES 3 is the worst film in the series.  I liked the first THE EXPENDABLES (2010) well enough, and I really enjoyed the sequel THE EXPENDABLES 2 (2012) which had a better plot and gave all the veteran action stars quality screen time with good action scenes and some memorable lines, and the climactic battle between Stallone and  Jean-Claude Van Damme was a keeper.  I really felt like I got my money’s worth.

Not so with this installment.

First of all, there’s something very sloppy about the direction.  Director Patrick Hughes gives us a flat opening segment where Stallone and his team rescue Wesley Snipes from his imprisonment on a moving armored train.  The action here is sloppily handled.  The camera fails to get in close and seems to cover things from a distance, and it also cuts away from characters when they’re speaking, and so it was difficult to catch what people were saying.

Then, once the rescue is completed, it cuts to the main title THE EXPENDABLES 3, flashed on the screen for about a millisecond and then it’s back to the movie.  It was just a weird opening, a precursor for all that was going to follow.

Director Hughes also doesn’t give his action stars flashy or memorable first appearances.  Stallone is first seen in the opening segment flying a helicopter in loud surroundings in which you can’t hear what he’s saying.  I don’t think I understood anything Stallone said in this entire segment.  Schwarzenegger’s grand entrance has him casually strolling up behind Stallone in a hospital and speaking softly to him.  How’s that for compelling drama?

The screenplay by Sylvester Stallone, Creighton Rotherberger, and Katrin Benedikt tells a mediocre story that doesn’t always makes sense, and features unimpressive dialogue and very little if any character development.  The story of Ross assembling a new team of youngsters to take on an old enemy makes little sense when his old team is still so menacing.

And while Mel Gibson does make for a decent villain, at least in terms of his performance, the character Gibson plays, Stonebanks, is never shown being villainous.  Why is he such a bad ass?  We hear characters like Ross and Drummer saying what a bad guy he is, but we never see him do anything.  What’s his agenda?  He sells arms to dictators and other undesirables, and we do see him do this in one scene, but do really we need The Expendables to take him out?

Just once, I’d like to see a plot worthy of The Expendables team.  These guys are supposed to be sent in to handle the jobs that the CIA and U.S. military want no part of, yet in all three films, we haven’t really seen them on these kinds of missions.

The dialogue is also subpar.  You’ve got Stallone, Schwarzenegger, Statham, Snipes, and Ford, guys who can really chew up the scenery, and yet there’s hardly a memorable line among them.

(Schwarzenegger enters the lobby and makes quick work of several enemy soldiers, cracking their heads and breaking their limbs with ease.)

SCHWARZENEGGER:  Next time silence your cell phones.  (to MA)  I work part-time as cinema security.  If you make noise in the theater, you answer to me.  (Checks his smart phone.)  Someone is texting in theater three.  I’ll be back.  (Exits)

MA:  That’s the Arnold I wanted to see.

Only Mel Gibson as the villain Stonebanks gets lines worthy of his pedigree, yet he has nothing much to do other than taunt Stallone and his buddies.  In fact, there are several scenes of Stonebanks buying art, walking up a staircase, entering a building, where that’s all he does.  I mean, these scenes don’t lead to anything else.  Stonebanks is a villain with too much time on his hands, and THE EXPENDABLES 3 is an action movie in need of a crisper script and tighter direction.

Now, if you’re like me, you see an EXPENDABLES movie because you want to see Stallone, Statham, Schwarzenegger and their friends on screen kicking butt and churning out one-liners.  You don’t see it because you want to watch a bunch of newbies take over.  I’m sorry, but I didn’t buy a ticket to THE EXPENDABLES:  THE NEXT GENERATON, and so I had little interest in scenes of Stallone compiling his new team, while his old team, Statham and company, sit home with nothing to do, and yes we actually see scenes of these guys at home twiddling their thumbs bored.  We don’t even get to see them try their hands at new jobs— I want to see Dolph Lundgren try to work in a department store, for example.  Realistically speaking, you’d think these guys would sign on with someone else.  I mean, Stallone’s Ross can’t be the only game in town.

And the newbies don’t have a chance. They’re each introduced in quick brief scenes, and then as the film goes on we hardly get to know them, which was fine with me since I didn’t care about them, but you know what?  I might have changed my mind had I actually gotten to know them and had the writing been better.

Sadly, THE EXPENDABLES 3 plays like the third film in a series, old and tired.

Speaking of which, one of the themes running through this movie is that Stallone and his buddies are getting too old for this sort of thing, and the sad part is in this movie some of them did look old.  For the first time in this series, I found it difficult to believe that Stallone and Schwarzenegger could do the things they were doing.  They looked a little long in the tooth.  Harrison Ford looked like he could barely walk.  In the film’s climax Ford is flying a helicopter performing all these stunts.  Yeah, right.  The only stunt he seemed capable of performing was crashing.

I like Sylvester Stallone, and when he’s on screen, I liked him here.  The trouble is the dialogue is so bad, that his character Ross just isn’t that enjoyable this time around.

Of the original team, Jason Statham fares the best, because he still looks the part, like he could single-handedly take out a mob of assassins, but his screen time is diminished here.

Like Stallone, Schwarzenegger begins to show his age in this movie, and his one-liners are pretty much nonexistent.  Looking even older than both Stallone and Schwarzenegger is Harrison Ford, who was filling in for Bruce Willis who left this movie over a contract dispute.  Ford plays a different character, but like Willis, he’s the guy who hires The Expendables.  I missed Willis’ shady persona.  Ford seemed like an aged Jack Ryan.

(Harrison Ford enters.)

FORD:  Did you just call me old?

MA:  I said you looked old in the movie.

FORD:  I ought to kick your ass.

MA:  I’d settle for an autograph.

FORD:  Autograph?  After you just insulted me in my own theater?

MA:  Your theater?  Are you working cinema security too?

FORD:  No, I run this place.  I’m the manager!

MA:  That’s a role I could see you playing.

FORD:  You call me old again I’m sending Schwarzenegger after you!

(Ford exits.)

MA:  I guess he’s getting sensitive in his old a— eh hem.  Moving right along.

Wesley Snipes isn’t bad, and he’s in a bunch of scenes, but like the rest of the cast he definitely would have benefitted from a better script.  Dolph Lundgren doesn’t need a good script as he just can stand there and look menacing, which he does again here to great effect.  Randy Couture also fares pretty well, but Terry Crews’ screen time is greatly reduced.  Kelsey Grammer lumbers through a throwaway role as Bonaparte, the man who assembles Stallone’s new team.

Mel Gibson gets the best lines in the movie, and he chews up the scenery as the main baddie, although sadly, he’s not given much to do other than get in Stallone’s face and tell him all the awful things he’s going to do to him.  But the thing is, when Gibson says all these menacing lines, he’s damned believable.  If only his character Stonebanks had been worthy of his performance.

Antonio Banderas as Galgo is supposed to be the comic relief in the movie.  The running gag is that no one wants Galgo on their team because he never stops talking, but this is hardly funny.  Banderas seems to be having a great time throughout, but it’s such a strange role, I just never got it.  It would have made more sense had the character been one of the newbies. Why would Ross be interested in an older agent who obviously couldn’t make it on a team when he was shunning his own proven team of veterans?  Banderas’ goofy personality just doesn’t fit in with the tone of the rest of the movie.

The newbies were so underdeveloped they’re hardly worth mentioning.  Kellan Lutz [from the TWILIGHT movies and THE LEGEND OF HERCULES (2014)] probably made the biggest impression as Smilee, the man who sees himself as Ross’ possible successor.  Glen Powell as Thorn and Victor Ortiz as Mars are pretty much interchangeable and they do very little.  Ronda Rousey stands out as Luna, since she’s the only woman on the team, and she’s certainly an eye full, but when even she doesn’t make much of an impression, that tells you how weak this movie is.

THE EXPENDABLES 3 also features a completely ludicrous third act.  When the cavalry arrives to rescue Stallone’s captured newbies, they find themselves taking on an entire army, which Mel Gibson’s Stonebanks has at his disposal.  And so we’re supposed to believe that this small group can outgun and outlast an army?  I don’t think so.

And unlike in THE EXPENDABLES 2 which featured a climactic bout between Stallone and Van Damme that was worth the price of admission on its own, the climactic showdown here between Stallone and Gibson is somewhat of a dud.  I expected much, much more.

This is also the first movie in the series to be rated PG-13, as the first two were rated R, which means people in this movie get to be shot, blown up, and beaten without shedding a single drop of blood.  Some may argue that this is a step up from fake looking CGI blood.

Yet, in spite of all these problems, it’s difficult for me to hate a movie featuring Sylvester Stallone, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Jason Statham, Harrison Ford, Mel Gibson, and Wesley Snipes, and so no I didn’t hate this one.  These guys can still entertain, even in a bad movie, and THE EXPENDABLES 3, sorry to say, is a bad movie.   It’s lifted by its star power, which is the only reason I’m giving this one more than one knife.

I give it a lackluster two knives.

Well, that’s it for now. I’m off to see another movie.

(A grenade lands at his feet.)

Or not.

(There is a huge explosion, and when the dust clears, MA is still standing there.)

MA: This is one time I’m happy about a fake looking CGI effect.

(MA exits into the movie theater.)

—END—

 

 

 

 

 

LIVE! FROM THE OSCARS!

0
Posted on by

ellen-degeneres-to-hos-86th-annual-academy-awardsLive!  From the Oscars!

 

By

Michael Arruda

No, I’m not live at the Oscars, but I am writing this while I sit at home and watch the Oscars on TV, so it’s the next best thing!

Okay, here we go.  Here’s my coverage of the 86th Academy Awards hosted by Ellen DeGeneres on March 2, 2014.  So, if you missed it and would like to know how it all went down, or if you watched it and perhaps missed something, well, read on!

Let’s get started.

Okay, Ellen’s opening monologue, not bad.  She was entertaining and funny, as always.   However, as opening monologues go, it was low key and wasn’t anything memorable.

She did inform us that the theme of tonight’s Awards ceremony is heroes.  Hmm.  I wonder if Marvel’s The Avengers will show up?

Let’s get right to the Awards.  Anne Hathaway presents the Nominees for Best Actor in a Supporting Role, and the winner is:  Jared Leto, DALLAS BUYERS CLUB.  Leto just gave a terrific speech, one of the best Oscar speeches I’ve ever heard.  Seriously!  Very impressed.

Next up, Jim Carrey calls out Bruce Dern in the audience, since Dern’s up for an Oscar, and Carrey does a nice Bruce Dern impersonation, sufficiently intense and scary, bringing back memories of Dern’s early years.  Carrey next introduces a montage on animated movies showcasing animated heroes.  Nothing amazing.  Most of the film clips are from recent animated films.

The song “Happy” from DESPICABLE ME 2 is performed.

Catherine Martin wins for Best Costume Design for THE GREAT GATSBY.  This comes as no surprise, as GATSBY showcased some great costumes.  Martin is the wife of director Baz Luhrmann.  Who knew?

Make-up & Hair Styling- DALLAS BUYERS CLUB wins for Best Make-up & Hair Styling.

I hear Indiana Jones music.  Hey, look!  Here comes Harrison Ford.  Ford is on stage to introduce the first three nominees for Best Picture:  AMERICAN HUSTLE, DALLAS BUYERS CLUB and THE WOLF OF WALL STREET.

Wow, Ford looks exhausted.  He can barely read the cue cards.  It looks like he started partying early.

Channing Tatum introduces Awards that were awarded earlier.

Next up, it’s Matthew McConaughey and— Kim Novak?  Wow.  I haven’t seen Novak in a while.  Not since VERTIGO (1958).  Just kidding, of course, but really, it’s been a while.  McConaughey and Novak are presenting the Animation Awards.  Hate to say it, but Novak looks like she was animated in a Pixar movie.  Way too much plastic surgery. Very sad.  That’s how it looks, anyway.

Best Animated Short Film goes to MR. HUBLOT, and Best Animated Feature Film goes to Disney’s FROZEN, no doubt sending children who are still awake into an enthusiastic frenzy.  From what I hear, the kiddos are nuts about this movie.

Hey look!  There’s Bill Murray in the audience.  Good to see him.

Sally Field’s on stage paying tribute to everyday heroes.  Here comes a film montage.  Seriously, it’s a nice montage, featuring a lot of good movies, including 42 and THE UNTOUCHABLES.

Emma Watson and Joseph Gordon-Levitt are on stage to present the Award for Best Visual Effects, and the Winner is: GRAVITY.  I definitely agree with this choice.  GRAVITY had phenomenal special effects.  It looked like it was shot on location- in space.

Time for a performance of “The Moon Song” from HER, one of the nominees for Best Original Song.

Okay, it’s 9:30.  We’re 60 minutes into the program, and so far, it’s been a rather plain uneventful show.

Kate Hudson and Jason Sudekis present the nominees for Best Live Action Short Film, and the winner is:  HELIUM.

THE LADY IN NUMBER 6: MUSIC SAVED MY LIFE wins Best Documentary Short.

Bradley Cooper presents the nominees for BEST DOCUMENTARY.  The winner is 20 FEET FROM STARDOM.

 

I’m yawning at this point and regretting my choice not to watch THE WALKING DEAD tonight.

Speaking of amazing TV shows, Kevin Spacey is in character as he makes some references to his Netflix TV show HOUSE OF CARDS before he presents the Governor’s Awards, which were already presented earlier.  Angela Lansbury, at 88 years old and returning to London Stage won one of the awards, Steve Martin won another, and Piero Tosi won for his costume designs.  The Jean Hersholt Humanitarian Award went to Angelina Jolie.

Best Foreign Language Film goes to Italy’s THE GREAT BEAUTY.

Tyler Perry introduces the next three Best Picture nominees, NEBRASKA, HER, and GRAVITY.

Brad Pitt introduces U2, as they’re on stage to perform “Ordinary Love” from MANDELA: LONG WALK TO FREEDOM.  Wow.  A really riveting performance.  They got the crowd up on their feet and received a nice standing ovation.

Ellen – oh yeah!  I almost forgot she was hosting this thing— goofs around and takes a star-studded group photo for Twitter.  She wants to record the highest viewed tweet ever.  A pretty funny and playful bit.

Next up, it’s the Scientific and Technical awards.  Quick!  Time for a bathroom break!

Chris Hemsworth and Charlize Theron, looking absolutely gorgeous in an amazing dress, present the nominees for Best Sound Mixing, and the winner is:  GRAVITY.  Another well-deserved win for GRAVITY.  The film had crisp sharp sound, and it also boasted an effective lack of sound, as it truly captured the silence in space.

Best Sound Editing goes to:  GRAVITY.  Hmm.  GRAVITY is starting to accumulate the awards.

Christoph Waltz presents the nominees for Best Actress in a Supporting Role, and the winner is:  Lupita Nyong’o for 12 YEARS A SLAVE.  Nice win for Nyong’o, and a nice speech as well.

Ellen’s goofing around again, as she asks her audience if they’re hungry, and when they say yes, she says she’s going to order pizza.  She then adds that “I don’t have any money.”   A funny gag.

Time to return to seriousness, as Cheryl Boone Isaacs, the first African American president of Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences, steps onto the stage for a serious speech about seriousness.  Seriously, the obligatory speech by the Academy president is no laughing matter.

Back to the awards.  GRAVITY wins Best Cinematography.  GRAVITY wins Best Film Editing.  GRAVITY continues to win big tonight.

Whoopi Goldberg takes the stage, and she’s there to honor THE WIZARD OF OZ, as back in 1939 Judy Garland won an Honorary Juvenile Oscar, and to commemorate the 75th anniversary of the award, we get to see a nice montage honoring THE WIZARD OF OZ as well as recognizing her three children, who are in the audience, including Liza Minelli.

Time for a commercial break.  Hey, there’s a really cool Godzilla – Snickers commercial.  It’s actually quite humorous, and even better, it includes quick plug for new GODZILLA movie coming out in May.

We return to the Awards to find Ellen DeGeneres dressed as Glenda the Good Witch from THE WIZARD OF OZ, which gets a good laugh from the audience.

Jennifer Gardner and Benedict Cumberbatch present the award for Best Production Design, and the winner is:  THE GREAT GATSBY.  Wow, GRAVITY didn’t win an award.  Glad GATSBY won, as it’s an incredibly visual movie.

Chris Evans – Captain America himself – introduces a montage of movie heroes.  A fun montage, full of popular movie heroes, including John Wayne, Clint Eastwood, Harrison Ford as Indiana Jones, Arnold Schwarzenegger as the Terminator (remember when he was a villain?), Sylvester Stallone as Rocky, to name a few, and plenty of superheroes, including Iron Man, Captain America, and the rest of the Avengers, and Superman from MAN OF STEEL, although I was disappointed that there were no clips of Christopher Reeve as Superman.

James Bond made it in twice, with the famous “I expect you to die!” scene from GOLDFINGER, featuring Sean Connery as Bond, and also a clip of the current James Bond, Daniel Craig.

A couple of horror movie heroes made it into the sequence, Roy Scheider from JAWS and Sigourney Weaver from ALIEN.

Glenn Close introduces the famous “In memoriam” montage, where the Academy remembers the artists who passed away in 2014.  Here is a partial list:  Karen Black, James Gandolfini, Paul Walker, Annette Funicello, Peter O’Toole, Ray Harryhausen—very glad Harryhausen was included here-, Sid Caesar, Roger Ebert, Shirley Temple, Joan Fontaine, Harold Ramis, Richard Matheson, and Philip Seymour Hoffman.

The montage concludes with Bette Midler coming on stage and singing “Wind Beneath my Wings.” As you would expect, Midler received a standing ovation.

It’s now 11:00, which means the show has reached the 2 ½ hour mark, and so far there have been only a few major awards given out.  Let’s get this show moving already!

Ellen announces “We just crashed Twitter with our group photo!”  She’s overjoyed.

Goldie Hawn introduces the final three Best Picture nominees:  PHILOMENA, CAPTAIN PHILLIPS, and 12 YEARS A SLAVE.  Hawn looks almost as bad as Kim Novak, and by bad, I mean that she’s obviously had too much work done on her face.  I wish these actresses would just allow themselves to age naturally.  They would look so much better.  She looks like a victim in a mad scientist movie.  Very sad.

John Travolta – who’s actually looking pretty good here – introduces the song “Let it Go” from FROZEN.

Jamie Fox and Jessica Biel present the award for Best Original Score, and the winner is: — what a surprise!—GRAVITY, music composed by Steven Price.

For Best Original Song, the winner is “Let it Go” from FROZEN.

Now it’s time for the homestretch, as it’s just the major awards left, which is good, because it’s 11:20 and I’m getting sleepy, and I have to get up at 5:30 tomorrow for work.

Ellen is now running through the audience to collect money for the pizza, which she has already handed out, and so we’ve seen celebrities like Harrison Ford eating take-out pizza at the Oscars.  Ellen gets money from Kevin Spacey and Brad Pitt, who she hits up for extra since he’s there for more than one movie.

Robert De Niro and Penelope Cruz present the award for Best Adapted Screenplay, and the winner is:  12 YEARS A SLAVE.  Could this be the beginning of Big Awards Sweep for 12 YEARS?

And for Best Original Screenplay, the winner is:  HER, screenplay by Spike Jonze.

It has not been a good night for AMERICAN HUSTLE.  Just sayin.

Angelina Jolie & Sidney Poitier come out to announce the award for Best Director.  Jolie thanks Poitier for his groundbreaking work over the years, and says to him:  “We’re in your debt.”  And Poitier tells the audience, “Please keep up the wonderful work.”  Poitier looks old and frail, but at least he looks old and natural.

The winner for Best Director goes to Alfonso Cuaron for GRAVITY.   Wow.  This one surprised me.  I thought Steve McQueen would win for 12 YEARS A SLAVE.  This has turned out to be a really big night for GRAVITY.

Daniel Day Lewis presents the Best Actress Award, and the winner is:  Cate Blanchett for BLUE JASMINE – I didn’t see BLUE JASMINE, but I like Blanchett a lot, so I’m glad she won.  And even though both Sandra Bullock and Amy Adams were very good in their roles, I’ve seen them better in other movies.

Blanchett gives an energetic speech, making a nice plug for movies with women in the lead roles, and for movies about women, saying they are not just niches, that audiences really want to see these kinds of movies and more importantly that they make money.

Jennifer Lawrence, looking great tonight, presents the Best Actor award, and the winner is:  Matthew McConaughey for the DALLAS BUYERS CLUB.  This comes as no surprise.  Glad he won.

Will Smith presents the Award for Best Picture.  Nothing against Smith, but he’s the best you can get to present Best Picture?  How about Steven Spielberg?  Clint Eastwood?   Morgan Freeman?  Some other elder statesman or giant of the genre?  Anyway, the winner is:  12 YEARS A SLAVE.  Nice choice.

Well, as the show ends, it’s midnight- and with that, I can now go to bed.  A big night for GRAVITY as it wins 7 Awards, and AMERICAN HUSTLE ends up getting shut out.

Well, that’s all she wrote.  Good night everybody!

Thanks for reading!

—Michael

WORST MOVIES OF 2013

0
Posted on by

THE LONE RANGER made my Top Ten List as one of the worst films of 2013.

THE LONE RANGER made my Top Ten List as one of the worst films of 2013.

WORST MOVIES OF 2013

By

Michael Arruda

Here’s my list for the Top 10 Worst Films that I saw in 2013.  For a more detailed list, and to find out what fellow author and movie critic L.L. Soares had to say about his worse movies of the year, be sure to check out our comprehensive WORST OF 2013 column coming soon at CINEMA KNIFE FIGHT at cinemaknifefight.com, the web site that features new and exciting movie content every day!  Well, almost every day, anyway.

And be sure to check out my BEST MOVIES OF 2013 list right here on this blog, to be posted just before New Year’s.

So, here they are, the Worst Movies of 2013:

First, before we get to my Top 10 List, here are a few movies that made it as Honorable Mentions.  They didn’t make my Top 10 list for the worst films of the year, but they were pretty bad nonetheless.

Honorable Mentions:

THE COUNSELOR – what are the characters in this movie talking about???

THE PURGE – ugly horror movie with a premise that doesn’t make much sense.

PARANOIA – Harrison Ford and Gary Oldman are wasted in a trite tale about corporate greed and spying.

Okay, now on to the Top 10.  Here are my picks for the Top 10 Worst Films that I saw in 2013:

10. THE CALL  – dreadful thriller with Halle Berry as a 911 operator who bungles an emergency call which leads to the caller being murdered.  Somehow, we’re to believe that Berry kept her job, and that sometime later, she actually gets another call from another victim being chased by the same killer as before!  Now, that’s believable!  And of course, this being a movie, Berry eventually gets out from behind her desk and into the field to take on the killer herself and save the day.  She should have stayed behind her desk and saved the movie instead.

9. THE LONE RANGER – this one should have been called TONTO, because Johnny Depp chews up the scenery and steals the show as the Lone Ranger’s sidekick Tonto.  How would you feel seeing a film called BATMAN and the best thing in it was Robin?

Armie Hammer is forgettable as the Lone Ranger, which isn’t totally his fault as writers Justin Haythe, Ted Elliott, and Terry Rossio don’t help him at all, writing a script that forgets to keep him relevant and pretty much makes a joke of the character.

A real mess of a movie.

8. THE WORLD’S END – Simon Pegg’s unfunny tale of a group of friends returning to the town of their youth to go bar hopping together one last time, to finish a journey they had started way back when, and oh yeah, they discover the town has been taken over by aliens from outer space.

This movie has its followers, but I just couldn’t get into it.  I found the humor off, and Pegg’s character completely unlikable and unsympathetic.  THE WORLD’S END couldn’t end fast enough for me.

7. A GOOD DAY TO DIE HARD – A good day to stay home from the movies.  Nuff said.  The latest in the Bruce Willis DIE HARD series is old and tired.

6. G. I. JOE RETALIATION – Bruce Willis again, although it’s really not his fault that this movie stinks. After all, he’s barely in it.  The lead role here goes to Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson.  The worst part of these G.I. JOE movies is they have absolutely nothing to do with the G. I. Joe toys from yesteryear.  They also don’t have anything resembling a story.

5. TEXAS CHAINSAW 3D – How bad is this one?  Well, look at it this way:  TEXAS CHAINSAW 3D was probably the least suspenseful horror movie of the year, this from a film featuring Leatherface, who’s reduced to being an overweight slow-moving killer who is so incredibly not scary in this movie it’s not even funny!

My favorite plot point in this one:  granny shows her love to her long lost granddaughter by leaving her a house with a homicidal maniac living in the basement!  And she leaves instructions that if her granddaughter shows Leatherface some love and affection, he’ll do right by her.  Yeah, right.  Good one!  Nice going, granny!  I wish you were my grandmother!

 

4. PAIN AND GAIN – Michael Bay’s attempt to make a tongue-in-cheek thriller about a group of bone-headed simpletons led by Mark Wahlberg and Dwayne Johnson who decide to make money by involving themselves in a kidnapping scheme.  This one was so idiotic I just couldn’t get past the stupidity of it all.  Its humor was lost on me.

I just couldn’t get into a movie that had at its center characters who were committing serious violent crimes and who were complete amateurs, and as a result, botched everything they attempted, and at a very high price for those who got in their way.

This cross between THE THREE STOOGES and BONNIE AND CLYDE just didn’t work for me.  For me, it was PAIN AND MORE PAIN.

3. YOU’RE NEXT – this horror movie got off to a terrific start but then completely fell apart as it was undone by a series of very unbelievable plot points that got worse as the movie went along. Its premise of a family being attacked in their own home starts off visceral and scary, but as soon as the explanations begin to unfold, as to why this seemingly random attack happened, the movie falls apart.

In short, this one must have been scripted by Dr. Evil, because when you find out the elaborate plan these folks had in store for this family, it would have been simpler and far more effective to simply have shot them dead.  The outlandish plan they concocted is embarrassingly laughable.

2.  SCARY MOVIE 5 – This movie is so bad I’m in complete disbelief that it didn’t make it as #1 on my list.  This supposed spoof of horror movies is so incredibly unfunny it amazes me that someone actually wrote it.  People’s home videos are more entertaining than this nonsense.  When the height of humor uses Charlie Sheen and Lindsay Lohan poking fun at their own personal problems, you know you’re in for a long 90 minutes.

The basic problem with this movie and others like it is that it confuses stupid with funny.  Just because something is stupid doesn’t make it funny, especially considering that most humor is incredibly intelligent.

Okay, here it is, my pick for the worst movie of 2013:

1. GROWN UPS 2  – Now, I didn’t actually review this one (thankfully!) but I caught it this past summer at the drive-in on a summer vacation with my sons.  Just how bad is this one?  I didn’t laugh once.  Not even once.  This one played like Adam Sandler compiled all the unused footage from the first GROWN UPS movie and then edited together into this movie.

No story, no laughs, no continuity.  To even call this a movie is an insult.  When the funniest guy in the film is Shaquille O’Neal as a policeman, you know you’re in trouble.

The worst comedy I’ve seen in many, many years.

Okay, that wraps up my picks for the Worst Movies of 2013.  Next week I’ll post my picks for the Best Movies of 2013.

Thanks for reading!

—Michael