In the following mock interview, the quotes from the classic Universal Movie Monsters are real. They were said by the monsters in the movies in which they appeared. So, the quotes are real, but the interview is not. Enjoy!

—Michael

MICHAEL: Welcome to a very special Halloween interview. Tonight I’m sitting with five of the most famous movie monsters of all time: Dracula, the Frankenstein Monster, The Wolf Man/aka Larry Talbot, The Mummy/aka Imhotep, and The Invisible Man. Well, gentleman, or gentlemonsters, it’s a pleasure to be here with you, and I thank you for coming out here tonight on this Halloween to chat with me and share your thoughts with our audience.

The subject of tonight’s interview is Halloween. What are your thoughts about this holiday? Is it your favorite? Do you enjoy the spotlight on this evening? Shun it? Do you have a favorite Halloween treat?

FRANKENSTEIN MONSTER: Bread.

MICHAEL: Bread? Well, that’s… pretty plain. Nothing wrong with that.

(DRACULA presents a bottle of wine.)

DRACULA: This is very old wine. I hope you will like it.

MICHAEL: Gee, thanks! So, wine is your go-to Halloween treat?

DRACULA: I never drink… wine.

FRANKENSTEIN MONSTER: Drink! Good, good!

MICHAEL (addressing the Monster): I see you do. It goes well with the bread, I imagine. Helps wash it down.

FRANKENSTEIN MONSTER: Friends!

MICHAEL: Yes, friends make everything better.

FRANKENSTEIN MONSTER: Woman!

MICHAEL: Er, yes. Let’s not enter TMI territory.

FRANKENSTEIN MONSTER: Woman….friend…. wife.

MICHAEL: Yes, all good things.

FRANKENSTEIN MONSTER: Woman, friend, yes!

MICHAEL: Okaaay… I think it’s time for someone else to weigh in. Mr. Talbot. How about you? What’s your favorite thing about Halloween? We’ve got bread, wine. What do you want on Halloween?

LARRY TALBOT: I only want to die. That’s why I’m here. If I ever find peace, I’ll find it here.

MICHAEL: Wow, that’s depressing. Sorry to hear that.

LARRY TALBOT: I know you’ll think I’m crazy, but… in a half-an-hour the moon will rise and I’ll turn into a wolf. Last night I went through another one of my horrible experiences. Many years ago I was bitten by a werewolf. Now, whenever the full moon rises I turn into a wolf myself.

DRACULA: What an odd hallucination. But, the human mind is often inflamed with strange complexes. I suggest you consult your physician, Mr. Talbot.

LARRY TALBOT: So! We meet again, Count Dracula. You don’t think I know the difference between a wolf and a man?

DRACULA: There are far worse things awaiting man… than death.

FRANKENSTEIN MONSTER: We belong dead!

DRACULA: To die! To be really dead! That must be glorious!

MICHAEL: Okay, we’re getting rather deep here. (Turns to the Invisible Man.) How about you? Thoughts on Halloween?

INVISIBLE MAN: We’ll begin with a reign of terror, a few murders here and there, murders of great men, murders of little men – well, just to show we make no distinction. I might even wreck a train or two… just these fingers around a signalman’s throat, that’s all.

MICHAEL: Okaaay… Sorry I asked.

INVISIBLE MAN: An invisible man can rule the world. Nobody will see him come, nobody will see him go. He can hear every secret. He can rob, and wreck, and kill!

MICHAEL (ignoring him). Moving right along. Imhotep, (reaches over to tap Imhotep on the arm. The Mummy recoils.)

IMHOTEP: Beg your pardon, I dislike to be touched… an Eastern prejudice.

MICHAEL: My apologies. Sorry about that.

THE INVISIBLE MAN: Power, I said! Power to walk into the gold vaults of the nations, into the secrets of kings, into the Holy of Holies; power to make multitudes run squealing in terror at the touch of my little invisible finger. Even the moon’s frightened of me, frightened to death! The whole world’s frightened to death!

MICHAEL: I think someone here has already started sipping Dracula’s wine. So, Imhotep, I understand you’ve been involved in a very long relationship. With…?

IMHOTEP: Anck-es-en-Amon,

MICHAEL: Yes, Anck-es-en-Amon,

IMHOTEP: My love has lasted longer than the temples of our gods. No man ever suffered as I did for her. But the rest you may not know. Not until you are about to pass through the great night of terror and triumph. Until you are ready to face moments of horror for an eternity of love.

FRANKENSTEIN MONSTER: Alone: bad. Friend: good! I want friend like me.

MICHAEL: Sounds like a song.

INVISIBLE MAN (starts singing): Here we go gathering nuts in May, nuts in May, nuts in May, here we go gathering nuts in May, on a cold and frosty morning!

LARRY TALBOT: Stop that! Stop it! Quit that singing! Get away from me! Stay away! Go away, all of you! Let me alone! Stay away!

(FRANKENSTEIN MONSTER offers TALBOT a cigar.)

FRANKENSTEIN MONSTER: Smoke?

DRACULA: Well, you young people. Making the most of life. While it lasts.

MICHAEL: Is there anything we can do for you Mr. Talbot?

LARRY TALBOT (looking into the audience): Who are these people? Get them out of here. I didn’t come here to be put on exhibition.

(TALBOT exits)

FRANKENSTEIN MONSTER: Arrrrrr!

(A wolf howls)

DRACULA: Listen to them. Children of the night. What music they make.

(IMHOTEP is speaking to THE INVISIBLE MAN)

IMHOTEP: You will not remember what I show you now, and yet I shall awaken memories of love… and crime… and death…

INVISIBLE MAN (nodding his head): The drugs I took seemed to light up my brain. Suddenly I realized the power I held, the power to rule, to make the world grovel at my feet. There are one or two things you must understand. I must always remain in hiding for an hour after meals. The food is visible inside me until it is digested. I can only work on fine, clear days. If I work in the rain, the water can be seen on my head and shoulders. In a fog, you can see me – like a bubble. In smoky cities, the soot settles on me until you can see a dark outline. Even dirt between my fingernails would give me away. It is difficult at first to walk down stairs. We are so accustomed to watching our feet. But, these are trivial difficulties. We shall find ways of defeating everything.

MICHAEL: You had to get him started. Anyway, the clock says we are almost out of time. Any last words or thoughts pertaining to Halloween? This has been a fascinating discussion, even if we haven’t stayed on topic. So, any parting thoughts?

DRACULA: I dislike mirrors.

MICHAEL (nodding): Fair enough.

FRANKENSTEIN MONSTER: Fire… no good. No!

INVISIBLE MAN: I meddled in things man must leave alone.

MICHAEL: That’s a sober thought. Finally.

INVISIBLE MAN: One day, I’ll tell you everything. There’s no time now.

MICHAEL: You’re right about that. My director is shouting in my ear to wrap things up now as we are running over time. But, Dracula you have one last thing you want to add?

DRACULA (nods): What we need is young blood… and brains.

MICHAEL: Ain’t that the truth!

And with that, we’ll call it a night. Thanks again to my guests, the Frankenstein Monster….

FRANKENSTEIN MONSTER: Good. Bad.

MICHAEL: Already with the ratings and reviews… Dracula, Larry Talbot, Imhotep, and the Invisible Man. Thank you all, and thank you all for reading. Good night!

—END—

(Monster quotes from DRACULA (1931), THE MUMMY (1932), THE INVISIBLE MAN (1933), THE BRIDE OF FRANKENSTEIN (1935), THE WOLF MAN (1941), FRANKENSTEIN MEETS THE WOLF MAN (1943), ABBOTT AND COSTELLO MEET FRANKENSTEIN (1948).)